Sainthood
by ancallis
Summary: Musings from a newly sober mind. A foggy day dredges up old memories.


The fog rolled in on the day he came back. His hair was barely visible, almost bleeding into a wash where it was tough to discern where the fog began and his hair ended. Tsunade watched him briskly walk towards her office, and couldn't help but think of Sakumo. Sakumo was slightly older than she was- probably three years older- and she'd always looked up to him, and had been very infatuated with him. Though, she'd never breathe a word of that to anyone.

Lost in her reverie, a sharp rap on her door startles her into alertness. "Come in." She beckons.

Kakashi stands stiffly in front of her. "Hokage-sama, I've successfully completed my mission." He says.

She clears her throat. "Report."

He goes into detail upon his mission. She pays attention, but drifts in and out of what he's saying; she'll end up reading about it in his write-up. She inspects his uniform- flecks of dried blood are barely visible on his vest and have been pushed up deep into his fingernails. A sharp glint in his coal-colored eyes relay a hint of his past darkness. When he's finished talking, she asks some follow-up questions and then sends him on his way home. She watched him almost robotically walk away and can't help but wonder what happened to the adoring, precocious little boy that he used to be. But, of course, situations forced him to mature far faster than he should've: something she knows quite well. They both were adolescents in the middle of a war, and were left to pick up their shattered psyche over preventable circumstances had the adults _acted_ like adults. She sighs and stands up again, stretching her arms up above her.

Ah, Sakumo. Now that she's started thinking about him, she can't stop. She remembers the day he died very well. She was there, she tried her damnedest to stop the bleeding, to heal the gash that reminded her all too much of Dan… Her fear of blood was a cumulative trauma of almost everyone she loved dying soaked in their own blood, staining her own hands and skin. For someone renowned as the greatest medic, why couldn't she prevent the deaths of those precious, precious people?

Many people like to pretend Minato was the saint who stepped in to act as Kakashi's stand-in father. In actuality, she was the one who was there with Kakashi in the weeks that followed his father's suicide. Minato was away on a mission during the whole ordeal.

She opens one her drawers, before closing it. Alcohol was a nasty habit she had to cut. She couldn't get dead drunk, she couldn't try and drink herself to death anymore. "If you don't die on one of your missions, then you'll die of alcohol poisoning', an old saying comes back to her. Oh, how true it was. Alcoholism among ninja is staggering high. Since there's no prescribed medication for your psychological issues, the next best option is to self-medicate those memories away.

How does one achieve sainthood? The pedestal that Minato, her grandfather, and a few select others are placed upon, whether they deserve or want it. Why do some people who deserve it far more than others are simply not considered for the role? Sakumo comes to her mind again. The man far more powerful than the so-called "legendary" sannin banished as an unspeakable, unthinkable subject. Wasn't his whole philosophy of friends over the mission the "will of fire"? Isn't it quite wrong to mock him to the point of suicide over that? Well, whatever. It's in the past. Can't really be changed now. Also, what in the hell is the "will of fire"?

By the time Tsunade's left her office, the fog has lifted, giving way to a grey, cloudy sky. She can't help but feel an utter sense of guilt over Kakashi, after all, she pretty much abandoned him, leaving him in the hands of her incapable teacher. Ah, that bastard. Hiruzen-sensei, another "saint" who contributed to the darkness Konoha is seeped in. Improper care of orphans and absolutely no mental health care are among some of his grievous sins left for Tsunade to fix. He deserves to rot in the belly of the death god, if she's being honest. A quick conversation with Naruto about his early life was enough for her to be physically held back from demolishing his face on the Hokage mountain. And his story is only the beginning. She sighs and rubs her temples. Normally, she'd need a strong drink, but instead, she's going home to relax and have some tea. She's found that that makes her feel a whole lot better than getting drunk.

Tsunade slips into her bed, not feeling in smallest bit tired. Well, she's emotionally exhausted, but physically? She could do to punch a couple of trees right now. Reflecting on the past is never a good thing to do, but… her thoughts grow sidetracked and intelligible. She's fast asleep. Well, under her care, Konoha is weeding out it's sketchy roots (no pun intended), and implementing massive social reform, like it should've done many years ago. She's accomplishing the true goal of the founders, not Tobirama's harsh military dictatorship,but Hashirama and Madara's dream of a haven, a safe and warm place where the brutality of the warring period could be put aside (but not forgotten), and children don't have to grow up as soldiers. She's a healer through and through (it's probably in her Uzumaki blood), and healers, after all, are supposed to protect the lives of others.


End file.
